If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
