I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
