OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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