So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
