I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
