I wanna bring you to show and tell
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
