First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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