when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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