WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
