come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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