You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
