Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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