Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
