This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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