My hand turned me down
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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