Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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