I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
