those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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