Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
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you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
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Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize