A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
