Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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