I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We're too hungover to prance.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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