Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
