I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
