Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
