and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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