I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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