Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
