Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
