I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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