I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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