she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
