I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
