I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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