It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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