Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
