you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I want to fling myself into the sun
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
