Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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