no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
