Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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