By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
