I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
