It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
