So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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