TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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