just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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