She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
