Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
