smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
