chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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