I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My penis needs a shock collar
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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