don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
