i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
