Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
