His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
