Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
