1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
